Oh, where’s my love?

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I’ve got a fear: you saw me, you heard my voice, you looked into my eyes, and you decided you weren’t ready. You weren’t ready for me, for us. Will you ever be ready? Who are you? Where are you? Have I met you? What are you doing, my love?

I imagine you’re very happy, sitting alongside the ocean, thinking about my hands in yours. I imagine you smiling as the sun hits your glorious face in the late afternoon as you drive home. I imagine you coming home to me, to our 2-bedroom house on the corner of some suburban road in some far-off town.

But home hasn’t been found just yet.

My love is still out there, wandering through the hearts of others, wondering about the heart it knows. Everything is strange. Everything is cold. My love knows your heart, it knows your touch. And my love, you know I am home.

My love, what kind of music do you listen to? Could we listen to my “road trip” playlist? It’s filled with songs that remind me of childhood and adolescence and the times I spent looking into your eyes on our wedding day. Could we simply drive together to places that remind us of God? I know I’m safe when your hand holds mine as we drive through the wilderness. You are unbothered by the wind ruffling your hair, you are unbothered by things that we cannot control. This is why your heart is my home. And I find God in the gentleness of your speech; in the tenderness of your love.

Look at those stars, my love! Look at how millions of balls of fire light up something so dark. Look at how your love lights up something so dark. And look at how the moon smiles down at us as we lie here, cheek to cheek, looking up into the nothingness knowing that we are finally both home.

The smell of coffee in the morning is one of your favourite things. You routinely set the coffee machine to start making coffee at 6:00AM so that when we wake at 6:30, our home is filled with the aroma of Colombian coffee beans, freshly brewed. You open the curtains and the sun streams in through our window. It hits your face and your eyes become galaxies filled with magic and wonder. And I can’t help but fall in love with you all over again, each and every morning.

It’s ok if you’re not ready, my love. It’s ok if I’ve already met you and it’s ok if I have not. But you must know that your hands have been designed to hold mine, your eyes are destined to find bliss in mine, your heart beats to the rhythm of mine.

I imagine you pray for me. I imagine you pray for our children. I imagine you pray for our love.

I pray.

My love misses yours.

 

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Starting Afresh

I’ve decided to start afresh.

And I will do that by sending a message to the people in my life, the people who were in my life (and always want to creep back in), and to myself.

First: to the people in my life,

You need to know that you mean the world to me. There is something heavenly about your existence and I am inspired by what you are, what you want to be. I am inspired by the love you give and the words you say. I feel loved through the time you spend and through the moments of happiness, sadness, despair, heartache and sheer joy we share. You were not chosen by me to be a part of my life; I am not worthy enough to make that decision. You were placed in my life by God because He knows that I am weak, and I need the strength of all your love and all your laughter and all your embraces to get me through this life. So, you come from Him to me, only to guide me back to Him.

Do you see the beauty that is your existence?

But, you also hurt me. Your words, while well-meaning, sometimes cut deeper than the words of my enemies. And you need to know that it is not ok to treat your friend, your daughter, your sister in that way.

I love deeply and I break easily. You may not know this because I try really hard to hide how extremely sensitive I am. But your happiness, your comfort is what matters to me. So do not take advantage of the love that I give to you. And if you need space from me, that’s totally fine. But do not disregard everything that I try so hard to do for you. You are beloved to me, that is why you are all in my life. And love is not something to be fucked with.

Love is celestial; it is transcendental. Love is power. Love is what I’m made from, and made of. Do not mess with the love inside of me. Do not mess with the love I give to you.

Second: to the people who were in my life,

It takes a lot for me to cut someone out of my life completely. If you are out of my life, it means you broke my heart, and it was so painful that I couldn’t get myself to look at you without breaking all over again.

What I want to say to you is: you are still in my prayers. But do not think that you will ever have a place in my life again. I pray that you never experience the kind of hurt you put me through, and I pray no one experiences hurt and pain at your hands.

Let me just digress for a minute: 

Boy, I am talking to you now. You lost the love of your life when you hurt me. You lost the kind of love that poets write about, that lovers dream about, that people spend a lifetime praying for. You know when I love, I love fiercely. And you took advantage of that. So, little boy, STOP TRYING TO COME BACK. YOU LOST ME. YOU RUINED THE BEST THING YOU EVER HAD. And I am not interested in mending your bruised ego. Stop grovelling at my feet when she doesn’t give you the love I did. 

Third: to myself,

You’re doing great. You are breathing and living and loving.

Stop worrying about how single you are. I know it’s lonely. I know you would love to be treated like a princess on Valentine’s Day (and every other day). I know you crave companionship and the gentle embrace of a soul who connects with yours.

I know you are tired. You are so very tired of this world, and all the pain and suffering it houses. I know you cannot wait to meet your Lord. I know you feel like you have nothing left to give and that there is too much evil for you to overcome.

But that is where Allah has Got you. He is Guiding and Loving and Supporting you through it all. He is giving you strength through the people in your life and through the knowledge you are surrounded by. He is enveloping you in His Love through the food your mother cooks, and the hugs your father gives (both of which are very hard for my parents to do). He is showing you that your purpose on this Earth is to speak for those who are silenced, and to help those who are suffering, and to love those who are broken. He has Given you this massive capacity to love because He knows that is what’s lacking in this world, and that is what people need more of.

You are a Lover. Spread your Love to all those who need it. Do not reserve it for those who you think deserve it because, ultimately, God knows Best and He knows what is in the hearts of His Slaves.

And always remember that this body is yours before it is anyone else’s. This body is for you to love. This body is for you to respect. This body is not dirty because it has been violated by a sick man. This body is not ugly because it does not conform to magazine-cover bodies. This body is not unholy because you desire.

This body is saintly because it houses mercy, it houses the ability to create life, it houses a sanctuary of love. This body is saintly because God says so. And no mere person can tell you otherwise. This body is yours. And no one can take it from you. And no one has the right to want it without you giving it.

Chin up, baby girl. This is only the beginning of your life. This is where you will make a difference. Remember you are made of and for love. Remember you are made of power. Remember you are a home for so many. Remember it is ok to be vulnerable. Remember that gentleness is not weakness. Remember that modesty is not submissiveness. Remember that God comes first, and then everyone and everything else, and you will never fail.

This is life. And I am living.